Tuesday's Merry Christmas

Yesterday we went to our appointment with the midwife. After the initial chit-chat, I had my vitals taken and then climbed up on the bed to hear the baby's heartbeat. The midwife was training an assistant, and she had the initial round. After about eight minutes, the midwife said it was her turn. She put the gel on the doppler again and wiggled it around on my belly, pushing more firmly than her assistant. Her face wasn't as jovial, and she looked concerned. All we could hear was the slow wooshing noise of my heartbeat... my heart started to fear. I've not felt this baby move as much as I recorded feeling Esther and Amy move – other than one distinctive movement last Friday, I've really noticed nothing. I'd talked about this with Launa at the beginning of the appointment, but she assured me that there could be many logical or safe reasons for that – the placenta could be in front, all babies are different, it's not too concerning until after 21 weeks, I may be too distracted with the two children to notice it.

She asked me to get down from the bed, take a few deep breaths and move around for a few minutes and we'd try again. I laid down again in a more stretched out position, and she lubed my belly up again with the gel. Taking in a far wider range and pausing in more places, we spent about 20 minutes looking... nothing. At one point she thought she was hearing a faster beat (100 bpm, which would be in a dangerous range for a baby)... she took my pulse, it was mine.

Launa turned the doppler off and said: “Christina, I think we need to call Dr. Clark (my family practitioner). This is the first time I've not been able to find a heartbeat, but maybe his doppler is a better one or he'll have more luck. If not, he can schedule you to go straight to the hospital for an ultrasound today and see what's going on.” Launa stepped into the other room to call Dr. Clark and I heard her explaining things on the phone.

I took everything in, and realized that emotionally I'd been very naïve. When I miscarried before Amy was born, I thought it felt devastating just because I'd not yet had a baby, so I didn't know if my body would... I thought, very naively, if that ever happened (as long as it happened earlier on in pregnancy) after having children, that my emotions would be stronger. I found I was very wrong about that. I couldn't hold back my tears, though I was trying to be very quiet in my crying, because Amy was hanging around my legs. “Are you sad, Mommy?” she kept asking. Launa's assistant had miscarried and had opted out of a D&C, though she wasn't in her second trimester. I glanced at her, and saw she was looking at me and weeping too. She came over to me and threw her arms around me, and let me just cry on her shoulder.

We drove to Dr. Clark's office. In the car I was still crying, but felt incredible peace... peace and agony simultaneously in my heart. I know that because of my sealing to Ryan in the Temple, that we can have eternal increase, and that we are an eternal family unit. I know that Christ is perfectly aware of my emotions, and in a manner I cannot comprehend, understood exactly what I was feeling.

Ryan dropped me off at the doctor's office, and took the girls to get something to eat (it'd been a longer trip than we'd anticipated or planned for) and had to go pick up his boss from the UK from the hotel and drop him off at the office. So, I went into the office alone. Dr. Clark was in with another patient, and I sat there in an office for 45 minutes, going through phases of peace, and then the tears would well up again within me and spill over. After he finished, he ducked his head for a second into my room and went as if he were going to step out for a second and then said: “I was going to get your chart, but then I remembered exactly who you are and why you are here.” (I'm sure my blotchy red face was a dead give-away).

He told me as he got the doppler out that it wasn't hopeless yet, and I tried to wrap my mind around it. “It's rare to miscarry after 14-15 weeks if you've had a strong healthy heart beat, but it's not unheard of. I've had several cases of that this past year with patients... it's also rare to not be able to find a heart beat at this stage, but it's not unheard of. I once had a time when I'd lubed a lady's belly up and searched for a while, and couldn't find anything... and I had my associate come in and try, and he found it within a few seconds, so anything is possible right now. Let's just see what we can find, okay?”

He put the gel on the doppler and set it on my tummy. The slow wooshing sound continued, and then... the sweetest sound I've heard this year: a fast wooshing. “That's it!” Dr. Clark exclaimed, and isolated it and began counting it. “That's it?” I cried in shock, joy, disbelief, gratitude... I began to cry again, and Dr. Clark put his hand on my arm and gave it a squeeze. “It's a great heartbeat,” he said. “150 beats per minute. Merry Christmas.”

Merry Christmas. I couldn't have said it better myself. Merry Christmas – merry to know that Christ really lives now, and wasn't just an iconic figure of history. Merry to know that He truly was “acquainted with grief” and more particularly, that He is acquainted very intimately and personally with our grief. No on can comfort us as He can. Merry to know that God still cares about us and guides His people through prophets and apostles today. Merry to know that there is life after death, and there is a plan for us to live in happiness and in eternal family units because of the Savior and through covenants we make with Him.

I don't think I've ever felt such extremes in my emotions in one day. After we got the girls down for bed, Katelyn came over so we could go to the Temple. What an amazing place – there is always so much peace there, and tonight I was especially grateful for it. So, Merry Christmas to all of you!!