For the quote board

I was trying to open the jam, which was pretty crusted over.

Amy: "Daddy's a tough guy. He can open hard things."

Me: "Yep, Daddy is a tough guy." Grunt, grunt...

Amy: "You're not a tough Mommy though, huh?"

Me: "I'm a tough Mommy!! I had you and Esther without pain medication, and that's a tough thing to do."

Amy: "Yeah, but you can't open the jam."

Point taken. Happy news -- I eventually managed to open the jam, even without my big tough man. :)

For the quote board

We had beets last night, and when Esther pooped on the potty, Amy said: "Esther has red poop."

Me: "You could have red poop too, if you would've tried some beets last night." (Thinking this would've been an incentive for her to try eating beets today)

Amy: "I don't like red poops... I like my poop to just stay brown."

His Offered Hand

It is my experience that God loves us, and is always willing to help us. I have been realizing in the past few weeks, that He is really anxious and eager to aid us in the things that are important to both Him and us, but we need to avail ourselves of the help right away.

Here are the examples in practice:
I have wanted to be a better, more fun, mother -- one who disciplines, but is also kind and fun. When I have remembered to ask my Father in Heaven for help in my morning prayer, I've noticed an added strength throughout the day -- I'm not as tired or wanting to just take a nap when Esther's napping, so I've been able to interact more with Amy, read to her, teach her, and play with her. I've noticed on days when I don't ask for Heaven's help, I am left to my own strength, which is not much. I'm much more tired, and when Amy doesn't listen or bops Esther with something, I'm much more apt to be more upset. I don't like myself when I'm like this, but it takes me reaching out for God's help... and when I do, His hands are always outstretched.

I have also prayed for help to read my scriptures -- it seems like an after thought sometimes to the day, or there have been days where I've not read them at all and will quote a verse or two to myself before lying down to bed. I know I cannot afford to not get strength daily from them, but during the day when the girls wake up, life is so busy, and when they go down, I am usually doing projects in the house or cleaning up messes.

So, a few weeks ago, I began praying more earnestly for help to find time to study my scriptures. Then I would wake up at 5:30 or 6:am and for a few minutes feel very fresh -- any who know me well know I love sleep. If it were allowed or possible to go to bed at 8:pm and sleep till 8 or 9:am, I would be one of those people. So, my initial reaction when I'd roll over and check the clock was, "Oh, I'm going to lay here and try to fall back asleep." There would be other mornings when I'd wake up or be restless at this time, though my eyes were still dead tired and it made movement difficult, because even though I wasn't sleeping, I just wanted nothing more than to lay motionless on my cushy pillow.

I realized when this first happened a few weeks ago, that this was a direct answer to the prayer I'd offered the night before -- I was looking for time to read my scriptures... if I woke up then, I could read a chapter or two before the girls woke up. On the days when I've been grateful for this help and, even if sometimes initially groggily, rolled over and flipped on the lights, I've been able to read my scriptures and have been aided by phrases I've read during the day. I've decided to read through the Book of Mormon in German again, and read it aloud -- it's been very rewarding not only for brushing up my knowledge of German grammar and vocabulary, but there are phrases that mean more when you hear them in another language.

There have been other days, when I tell myself: "Just five more minutes, and then I'll get up." And I manage to fall back asleep and am awoken by Esther waking up.

My testimony and experience is: God loves us, and wants to help us. But if we don't ask Him, or if we ask Him, but don't act in the moment we receive inspiration, the moment will pass and we will find we are not as successful in our endeavors. He does love and care for us, and no one could be a better fan or cheerer for our successes -- but He also wants us to ask with real intent (James 1:5-6 /Moroni 10:4). We need to show Him that we really want the help He offers, and make use of the help He gives us. I am grateful He loves us that much, and that our little concerns are important to Him, because they are important to us. How wonderful it is to know that the God of the Universe knows us by name, and answers our individual prayers. I hope you feel His love today, and if you need help with anything, I hope you grab at His offered hand right away instead of postponing.

Christmas Photos

I love this picture of me with the girls... Esther's grin is so adorable!

A family picture...

The girls loved opening gifts...

We had fun spending time with family, and got to talk to Ryan's sister Kaley on her mission. Merry Christmas!!

Some pictures of the House

Photos of the Inside

So, I took several pictures of the inside of the house, for those who want to see it.
And incidentally, we had some pictures taken of my inside too today -- and it looks as if the baby is healthy and fine. It worked out well I guess to not have the technician tell us whether it's a boy or girl... Ryan's positive it's a boy, and I'm quite sure it's a girls... so... :) you'll all have to find out in May.

Tuesday's Merry Christmas

Yesterday we went to our appointment with the midwife. After the initial chit-chat, I had my vitals taken and then climbed up on the bed to hear the baby's heartbeat. The midwife was training an assistant, and she had the initial round. After about eight minutes, the midwife said it was her turn. She put the gel on the doppler again and wiggled it around on my belly, pushing more firmly than her assistant. Her face wasn't as jovial, and she looked concerned. All we could hear was the slow wooshing noise of my heartbeat... my heart started to fear. I've not felt this baby move as much as I recorded feeling Esther and Amy move – other than one distinctive movement last Friday, I've really noticed nothing. I'd talked about this with Launa at the beginning of the appointment, but she assured me that there could be many logical or safe reasons for that – the placenta could be in front, all babies are different, it's not too concerning until after 21 weeks, I may be too distracted with the two children to notice it.

She asked me to get down from the bed, take a few deep breaths and move around for a few minutes and we'd try again. I laid down again in a more stretched out position, and she lubed my belly up again with the gel. Taking in a far wider range and pausing in more places, we spent about 20 minutes looking... nothing. At one point she thought she was hearing a faster beat (100 bpm, which would be in a dangerous range for a baby)... she took my pulse, it was mine.

Launa turned the doppler off and said: “Christina, I think we need to call Dr. Clark (my family practitioner). This is the first time I've not been able to find a heartbeat, but maybe his doppler is a better one or he'll have more luck. If not, he can schedule you to go straight to the hospital for an ultrasound today and see what's going on.” Launa stepped into the other room to call Dr. Clark and I heard her explaining things on the phone.

I took everything in, and realized that emotionally I'd been very naïve. When I miscarried before Amy was born, I thought it felt devastating just because I'd not yet had a baby, so I didn't know if my body would... I thought, very naively, if that ever happened (as long as it happened earlier on in pregnancy) after having children, that my emotions would be stronger. I found I was very wrong about that. I couldn't hold back my tears, though I was trying to be very quiet in my crying, because Amy was hanging around my legs. “Are you sad, Mommy?” she kept asking. Launa's assistant had miscarried and had opted out of a D&C, though she wasn't in her second trimester. I glanced at her, and saw she was looking at me and weeping too. She came over to me and threw her arms around me, and let me just cry on her shoulder.

We drove to Dr. Clark's office. In the car I was still crying, but felt incredible peace... peace and agony simultaneously in my heart. I know that because of my sealing to Ryan in the Temple, that we can have eternal increase, and that we are an eternal family unit. I know that Christ is perfectly aware of my emotions, and in a manner I cannot comprehend, understood exactly what I was feeling.

Ryan dropped me off at the doctor's office, and took the girls to get something to eat (it'd been a longer trip than we'd anticipated or planned for) and had to go pick up his boss from the UK from the hotel and drop him off at the office. So, I went into the office alone. Dr. Clark was in with another patient, and I sat there in an office for 45 minutes, going through phases of peace, and then the tears would well up again within me and spill over. After he finished, he ducked his head for a second into my room and went as if he were going to step out for a second and then said: “I was going to get your chart, but then I remembered exactly who you are and why you are here.” (I'm sure my blotchy red face was a dead give-away).

He told me as he got the doppler out that it wasn't hopeless yet, and I tried to wrap my mind around it. “It's rare to miscarry after 14-15 weeks if you've had a strong healthy heart beat, but it's not unheard of. I've had several cases of that this past year with patients... it's also rare to not be able to find a heart beat at this stage, but it's not unheard of. I once had a time when I'd lubed a lady's belly up and searched for a while, and couldn't find anything... and I had my associate come in and try, and he found it within a few seconds, so anything is possible right now. Let's just see what we can find, okay?”

He put the gel on the doppler and set it on my tummy. The slow wooshing sound continued, and then... the sweetest sound I've heard this year: a fast wooshing. “That's it!” Dr. Clark exclaimed, and isolated it and began counting it. “That's it?” I cried in shock, joy, disbelief, gratitude... I began to cry again, and Dr. Clark put his hand on my arm and gave it a squeeze. “It's a great heartbeat,” he said. “150 beats per minute. Merry Christmas.”

Merry Christmas. I couldn't have said it better myself. Merry Christmas – merry to know that Christ really lives now, and wasn't just an iconic figure of history. Merry to know that He truly was “acquainted with grief” and more particularly, that He is acquainted very intimately and personally with our grief. No on can comfort us as He can. Merry to know that God still cares about us and guides His people through prophets and apostles today. Merry to know that there is life after death, and there is a plan for us to live in happiness and in eternal family units because of the Savior and through covenants we make with Him.

I don't think I've ever felt such extremes in my emotions in one day. After we got the girls down for bed, Katelyn came over so we could go to the Temple. What an amazing place – there is always so much peace there, and tonight I was especially grateful for it. So, Merry Christmas to all of you!!