Thoughts

I have had a lot of thoughts this last week, which I want to share:

Ryan and I like british BBC movies -- many are good, like Wooster and Jeeves, David Attenborough documentaries, 1900 or 1940's house, renditions of Jane Austen, Charles Dickens, Elizabeth Gaskell, Shakespeare and other classics. The other day I picked one up from the library called "South Riding"... set in post WWI Britain. I didn't get very far into it until it showed something that for me was very disturbing and I turned it off. If one were to glean a depiction of the family from modern media, I think it would leave much to be desired.

What seems to be portrayed in much of media today shows either tortuous marriages with squabbling, fighting, and spouses who do not respect or care for one another, or idealic marriages where no compromises or personal growth are ever made; parent child relations which are contentious; and often marriage or children are portrayed as such a burden... as if they are a ball and chain. All of this gets under my skin -- really irking me -- and makes me realize just how wrong humanity becomes when they run off their own power. I think that there are many people who think that life is just this way -- that the honeymoon's over once the children are born, that fighting over finances is normal, that contention is normal... or on the flip-side, that think that somewhere out there there's a perfect spouse or perfect child where they'd never have to get on their knees and pray for help.

In General Conference, most of the talks that impacted me talked about the importance of the family... and how ultimately we cannot succeed in family or personal life without our Savior and the gospel. I particularly liked Elder Holland's and Elder Andersen's talks... If we are not constantly checking in and really asking for Christ's atonement to work in our lives, we won't be successful in our endeavors -- we'll just be going through the motions.

Case on point: This last week I had an experiment: Amy had seemingly for no apparent reason regressed with potty training, and as a parent, I was quite frustrated by it because I thought we were all done -- we had been for months and months. My 'natural' inclination was to give out punishment (no trips to the library, or no playing outside) or shame her (babies pee on the floor, I guess you'll have to wear a baby diaper again etc). Finally, after nothing was working, I started praying more earnestly because after all, Amy is God's child first and foremost. I felt reprimanded that my tactics had not been very Christ-like. I felt inspired to give praise and encouragement -- lots of "are you still dry? AWESOME!! You're such a big girl!!" I had to be helped even to remind myself to be positive that much and give her that much positive reinforcement... RESULT: Amy had no accidents at all this week and feels better about herself. "Honey catches more flies than vinegar". God cares about me and no one wants me to succeed more as mother than He does, but too often I rely on my own strength, and when I do I do not get very far and I do not improve.

This appears to me to be the case also in our relationships... we should remember that God is always there to help us. He loves us and wants our success in everything. He wants our ultimate happiness. God knows and loves those we interact with too. He is able to help us forgive others, love others, heal ourselves, improve ourselves or whatever is necessary for us to achieve the most important goals. If we rely on our own powers, we quickly find ourself running out of steam or creating too much steam. If we pray for help, God can help increase our capacity to love others or even to give positive reinforcement or encouragement when your natural inclination might be to punish them. :)

That is the main message I took from General Conference though, and this past week's experiences: When we stand on our own two feet, we fail. When we reach out to Christ, He lifts us higher and strengthens our capacity. 'Whom the Lord calls, He qualifies' -- IF they turn to Him and let Him. God is the ultimate trainer, and if we turn to Him, He'll give us the guidance we need to make us better individuals.

I hope you've had a good week too, and I hope that you and I can remember that God loves us,

His Offered Hand

It is my experience that God loves us, and is always willing to help us. I have been realizing in the past few weeks, that He is really anxious and eager to aid us in the things that are important to both Him and us, but we need to avail ourselves of the help right away.

Here are the examples in practice:
I have wanted to be a better, more fun, mother -- one who disciplines, but is also kind and fun. When I have remembered to ask my Father in Heaven for help in my morning prayer, I've noticed an added strength throughout the day -- I'm not as tired or wanting to just take a nap when Esther's napping, so I've been able to interact more with Amy, read to her, teach her, and play with her. I've noticed on days when I don't ask for Heaven's help, I am left to my own strength, which is not much. I'm much more tired, and when Amy doesn't listen or bops Esther with something, I'm much more apt to be more upset. I don't like myself when I'm like this, but it takes me reaching out for God's help... and when I do, His hands are always outstretched.

I have also prayed for help to read my scriptures -- it seems like an after thought sometimes to the day, or there have been days where I've not read them at all and will quote a verse or two to myself before lying down to bed. I know I cannot afford to not get strength daily from them, but during the day when the girls wake up, life is so busy, and when they go down, I am usually doing projects in the house or cleaning up messes.

So, a few weeks ago, I began praying more earnestly for help to find time to study my scriptures. Then I would wake up at 5:30 or 6:am and for a few minutes feel very fresh -- any who know me well know I love sleep. If it were allowed or possible to go to bed at 8:pm and sleep till 8 or 9:am, I would be one of those people. So, my initial reaction when I'd roll over and check the clock was, "Oh, I'm going to lay here and try to fall back asleep." There would be other mornings when I'd wake up or be restless at this time, though my eyes were still dead tired and it made movement difficult, because even though I wasn't sleeping, I just wanted nothing more than to lay motionless on my cushy pillow.

I realized when this first happened a few weeks ago, that this was a direct answer to the prayer I'd offered the night before -- I was looking for time to read my scriptures... if I woke up then, I could read a chapter or two before the girls woke up. On the days when I've been grateful for this help and, even if sometimes initially groggily, rolled over and flipped on the lights, I've been able to read my scriptures and have been aided by phrases I've read during the day. I've decided to read through the Book of Mormon in German again, and read it aloud -- it's been very rewarding not only for brushing up my knowledge of German grammar and vocabulary, but there are phrases that mean more when you hear them in another language.

There have been other days, when I tell myself: "Just five more minutes, and then I'll get up." And I manage to fall back asleep and am awoken by Esther waking up.

My testimony and experience is: God loves us, and wants to help us. But if we don't ask Him, or if we ask Him, but don't act in the moment we receive inspiration, the moment will pass and we will find we are not as successful in our endeavors. He does love and care for us, and no one could be a better fan or cheerer for our successes -- but He also wants us to ask with real intent (James 1:5-6 /Moroni 10:4). We need to show Him that we really want the help He offers, and make use of the help He gives us. I am grateful He loves us that much, and that our little concerns are important to Him, because they are important to us. How wonderful it is to know that the God of the Universe knows us by name, and answers our individual prayers. I hope you feel His love today, and if you need help with anything, I hope you grab at His offered hand right away instead of postponing.

Weight

This is kind of a strange thing to be writing about, but I want to share some thoughts I've had over the years, and recently.

I admit... I sometimes like to watch 'Biggest Loser' recaps. Although I don't really agree with the durastic workout measures taken to lose the weight, I can relate to a lot of the feelings of the contestants. I have also in the past felt like a failure with regard to my weight and my view of my physical body.

Here are some thoughts I've had recently, and can only hope they are helpful to someone else:
I think that one of Satan's greatest tactics is to get us to hate our bodies, or feel hopeless about them... to feel like failures and that we cannot do something. For years I felt this way about my own body -- pretty much when I hit puberty, I was "over-weight". My father tried to help me change, but each time I didn't stick with a work-out routine or diet, I felt like more of a failure and a disappointment than before. I developed a complex about food -- I feared it, and obsessed about it simultaneously. (I did not struggle with anorexia, or bulimia or anything, but I pretty much beat myself up mentally every day for not sticking with diets or for eating too much). I had begun to relate my inability to transform my body into a 'skinny minny' as somehow being a sin on my part -- that I didn't have enough faith to change, or that each time a ate something above the calorie intake for the day that somehow I was a sinner. My self-esteem was very low during this time of life.

These self-doubting, ungrateful, negative feelings do not come from a loving Heavenly Father.

After living with a widow friend who tremendously helped my self-esteem, I returned to college and was able to have more fun and overcome some of my complex and fear about food. I decided I wanted to serve a mission. When I first received my call to serve in Germany, and was told of the tendency for missionaries to gain weight I was so worried, and cried myself to sleep. When there, I did gain weight... about 30lbs in my first area, putting my 5'1.5" to 181 lbs. I experienced a shocking thing... if being overweight was somehow a sin, like I'd thought before, shouldn't I be reprimanded the most powerfully while on my mission? But I wasn't. I did not feel like I was a disappointment to my Heavenly Father, or hopeless... I felt loved.

I realized for myself that my body didn't like being that way because I felt sluggish, and sweaty. I also realized that I hated being stuffed to the gills -- the eating appointments on my mission always had so much food, and when I came home I usually ate more because I wanted to eat what I wanted to eat (which in Germany usually meant chocolate, or marzipan brot). In the mission field, I lost 20 lbs of what I gained (thanks to a companion with IBS and biking cities) and came home just a little heavier than I'd normally been.

I was blessed by Heavenly Father with, what I term to be, a miracle. I married Ryan, and my body lost weight... it makes me laugh sometimes, because I'd tried Weight-Watchers before, but didn't stick with it long enough to see success. God put me on the real Weight-Watchers plan -- I watched Ryan every day, grew in love for him, and several months after we were married, without necessarily changing anything, my body dropped 15 lbs. After having Amy, and watching more 'Weight', my body lost more weight, putting me after many years back within a 'normal' BMI. Then, getting pregnant with yet another 'Weight', my body lost even more (due to nausea). I'm now almost 18 weeks pregnant, and finally have regained the extra weight lost during the beginning of this pregnancy, putting me in at 130 lbs. I cannot take any credit for having changed myself, because I didn't -- sure, I eat somewhat differently than I used to, but it's more that God took away the struggle for me. It's not that I couldn't struggle with my feelings about my weight again, but I am confident that as long as I remember that God loves me, and His plan of happiness for all of us, weight will no longer rob me of my hope or happiness.

From watching the Biggest Loser, I've had these thoughts:
1. It's important that we have God help us with any change we seek... because He also heals and changes the inside. Also, I think it's important to put it in His hands. If it's not important to Him that we be 110 lbs and look like a model, that shouldn't be important to us either. It is important to Him that we keep our bodies (which are gifts) as healthy as we can and appreciate them, and if we're struggling in that area, then He can help us.

2. We have the ability to choose so much. We can make an impact on our circumstance and our outlook on life. God loves us, regardless of the choices we make, but we will feel more of that love the closer we come to Him and the more we limit the falsehoods we listen to from Satan.

3. Our bodies are such a wonderful GIFT. We should ALWAYS remember that... God wants us to be grateful for the bodies He has given us -- they are SUCH a blessing, regardless of what condition they're in. God gives us peace and if we have weaknesses, He will take us by the hand and help us with them. His Son knows every possible temptation we face, and has overcome all. He can empower us to change... and also, there is grace. Satan hates the fact that we have bodies and wants us to focus on the negative, and forget this great blessing God has given us. He belittles them in every way he can, and if you listen too much to the media and trying to be the cookie-cutter image of what people should look like, you'll waste valuable earth time centering on the wrong things.

If you don't feel beautiful, talk to your Heavenly Father -- and if you listen to Him, you will know how valued and loved you are. If you follow His commandments, you will be blessed. Following the Word of Wisdom does not necessarily mean you'll look like a fitness trainer (look at Brigham Young), nor that you will never know illness, but you are promised that you'll have peace. Don't waste time being ungrateful for your body right now, in the condition it is in. You should be grateful... we should ALL be grateful. It is wonderful to have a body.

Blessings and Comfort

So, we went down for Rylee Rhys Taylor's baby blessing last week -- it was beautiful. She's a little darling girl and its great to see my brother as a Daddy.


I remember a conversation we once had, when we were putting in a fence around my parent's orchard. I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up (we were in high school). Ben said: "I want to be the type of Dad who goes to his son's t-ball games and takes his girls to ballet practice." I was so touched to hear him say that. I think he already is, and will become an even greater Daddy. Thanks Ben and Shera for letting us visit. We love you both. Here's a photo of us:


On the way down, Ryan and I were listening to C.S. Lewis' "A Grief Observed". In the introduction, a really profound point was made that has stuck with me of late. The Latin for 'comfort' means to give strength, or intense strength. For some reason, whenever I thought about 'comfort' in the past, I thought of it in the same sense as a down-comforter blanket -- as if, when you were comforted, you had that warm fuzzy feeling or could skip or whistle. But sometimes, life is not like that. There are some trials that, despite comfort, we struggle. I can only imagine it would be this way with the death of a dearly loved one. So, this new understanding of the meaning of the word is significant I think. The Holy Ghost is known as "The Comforter". He can give us strength to endure trials that we otherwise would be unable to. We may still cry, or struggle, but we can be assured that we would've struggled much more without His help. That may be part of this life's experience, but we can hope in the fact that there will be a day when "God shall wipe away all tears from [our] eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away" (Revelations 21:4).

I really like the idea that comfort means to give strength. I know God has comforted me many times in my life and given me help. I remember especially one night feeling low and sad when my sister Jenny had cancer. I viewed the cancer only in a negative light, and thought if it was a punishment, I should have it and not her - because I look up to her in so many ways. The fact is, God did not take away her cancer then, but He gave her strength to endure it, and to be an example to all of us in the meantime. He gave me strength to accept it and trust in Him. Without Him in the equation, our lives would be much much worse.

Sometimes God gives us strength or comfort through other people. I know He has given me Ryan as a comfort and strength for me. I am so grateful for the help he gives me -- he's so willing to help with Amy, or help clean the house. I love him dearly and am so grateful we can be together forever.

Long Thought(s)

You can never judge a book by its cover. How often have we heard this, or said this to ourselves, but are continually surprised by the fact that we have... and wrongly!

I've been studying 'charity' for the past while, and of late I've seen so many instances where I have, without even knowing it, NOT been charitable. Where I've judged someone wrongly, tucked it away and forgotten about it -- only to be surprised later to find someone's really nice. Surprised?! I find one of my most difficult challenges with charity is that I crave justice -- I like the bad guys to get their come-uppins... but who made me judge? Certainly the scriptures do anything but that. And the major flaw with judging, is that we do not have all the facts. Over and over, God has shown me the positive side of people that I've at first look been scared of, intimidated by, or peeved at. Yet, over and over again, I still need to be reminded of this fact.

The person who seemed rude to you in middle school, the police officer that seemed to talk down to you, the guy who butted you in line, the professor that made fun of you in class... all these types of encounters only show ONE facet of an individual. That middle schooler was probably struggling with crazy hormones, acne and low self-esteem. The Professor could have been struggling with anything - who knows. The point is, their act does not make up who they are. They are... we are... children of God, and even the meanest person on the planet was at one time good enough to choose this plan instead of Satan's.

Why does charity "vaunteth not itself" or "seeketh not her own"? Because she doesn't need to compare herself to others - she doesn't need worldly validation - she knows God is the judge and will do so in His own time. She knows He loves all His children. She knows that Christ's atonement can ransom anyone who will repent and come to Him, and she wants ALL to do so. This humility helps her to be 'kind'.

Charity NEVER faileth. She loves unconditionally, and probably realises that those who seem to deserve love the least, need it the most. She judges righteously. Oh, how I want to become a charitable person and have 'the pure love of Christ' for everyone. How I want to stop realising that I've judged someone and forgotten about it... but rather not be surprised by people's goodness, but simply rejoice in it knowing that they are striving to live up to the godly potential they have. I know that charity is a gift, and I know that Christ loves us and can make weaknesses become strong if we'll come unto Him. I pray I can do that, so I may be 'filled with this love'. That we all may be.

Simplicity

I hung some of the wash up to dry last weekend, and found it oddly beautiful to watch our clothes and sheets gently swaying in the breeze.

As a history major, I studied lots of different time periods with lots of advantages and disadvantages to each one. I think that something we should all stop to realize is it's not the richest or most talented people which are the happiest -- it's those that can find pleasure and happiness in simple things. Paul admonished the Hebrews to be "without covetousness, and be content with such things as ye hath: for He hath said, I will never leave thee nor forsake thee" (Hebrews 13:5).

I don't think God means for us to be stressed out as we go through life. Sure, there is a lot to get done, but I think He wants us to find beauty in the journey and in the small things. I spent some time thinking last week of some simple things that make me happy, and I share 24 of them with you, hoping that if you are having a stressful day you can stop and consider what makes you happy too. These aren't in any particular order, so I'll start with laundry hanging on the line...

the sound of moths in autumn thundering up the windows, the sound of crickets chirping outside, the sound of leaves crunching underfoot, watching ducks search for food "bottoms up", the smell of clorox, clorine, freshly cut grass, lilac and apple blossoms, reflections on the water...

the sound of a river, the sound of wind, running through sprinklers on a hot summer day, a hot shower, Ryan's dimples when he smiles at me, watching Ryan fish and relax by merely casting a pole and string into a river...

Amy's smile -- any baby's smile, Amy's laugh -- all baby giggles, hearing Amy coo after waking up from her nap, a snuggle, feeding Amy, watching her splash gleefully in a warm bath,

the smell and taste of homemade bread straight from the oven with butter and honey...

talking with family and friends, watching Wodehouse Playhouse and Wooster and Jeeves with Ryan, hiking, snuggling up under down-comforter blankets when it's cold, being clean after a long day working in the yard or being spit up on...

Ultimately, most of these do not require money, fame or a degree to have and anyone can enjoy them (other than Amy and Ryan, who are mine :) ) We seem to be so driven by the clock in our culture that we forget to enjoy the journey we are so frantic to accomplish. I agree with President Hinkley, that life is to be enjoyed not just endured. There are magical highlights along our path which can make us smile, laugh or merely relax if we'll stop to look. I hope that I can always remember to be content with what I have, and with the knowledge that God will not forsake us.

The Joys of Parenting...or learning about it

As you all know, I work at a day care. There are quite a few little tikes, complete with totally different needs and personalities. Let me give you the breakdown: Morgie-moo is 8 months old -- she's teething, learning to eat some new foods and successfully crawled yesterday. She's cute and chubby, but gets jealous if anyone comes near you when you're holding her. Next is Ayo -- a tiny-tot with cute lamb hair, he hates going to bed. He cries if he sees a blanket.
Then you have the two cute blond chubby ones: Kyler and Zilli-zoo. Though they're not related, they look like they could be. There's a remarkable difference in communication between the two: Zillia is younger, but has a HUGE vocabulary. She and I are buddies (because I read her stories) and when I come to work she screams with glee "Kissina, Kissina". [Close enough for me] Kyler on the other hand does little more than grunt like a cow. I have taught him to rub his belly to say "please" when he wants something though, and I'm very happy about that. Both these tikes are happy-go-lucky for the most part and give great cuddly hugs.
Then you have Zachie, Winter, Koda and Katie. They are the 2-3 year olds. Koda is almost mute (meaning he's a quiet kid) but he loves dinosaurs and buzz lightyear. Zachie delights in the reaction he gets when he steals toys from other kids. He's a bit mischevious, but sweet in his own right. He can surprise me sometimes by how sharing he can be, but it's never a surprise when someone's crying about a stolen toy as to WHO stole it. I chase him around a lot retrieving said stolen toys. Winter is my drama queen. She's very cute, but falls in a heap of sobs on the floor when anything doesn't go her way. The sobs usually get louder if you pay attention to her, but if you ignore her, she's soon her happy cute self again. Katie rattles off all the time, but I can't really understand her. Her mom makes a great effort to keep her hair done, which always makes her look cute. She loves to read and will often sit with a book mumbling nonesense outloud to herself.
Then you have Adam and Kennedy...the four year olds. They have a "hee-hee-haw-haw-wahhhh!" relationship. Atleast several times a day I will momentarily ban them from playing with each other because they've made each other upset and angry and are fighting. Usually, they are fairly well behaved and expert tattlers.
Then there are Joshua and Matthew. Joshua is actually a great help -- he's mature and keeps track of the kids, intervenes when two kids are fighting and can be my "eyes and ears" if I'm taking a kid to time out. He is also a tattler, but with nothing to gain from it, so generally he's just telling me what really happened.
Matthew is a little older, and I am currently trying to help him buckle down and do his piano practicing. It has taught me a valuable lesson: kids don't like piano practicing, but it's good for them. He's slowly learning how to sing along with the notes (since he has to say their names out loud when he plays them). I've decided that I am going to suffer through trying to get my kids to do piano practice, even if they don't like it, because I like singers. I remind myself when things get tough, that Matthew...and the others, have not become the wonderful people they're going to become yet, and to be patient.
The job has been an invaluable experience for me. For one, I am able to change multiple poopy diapers now without gagging, and I've learned that kids are constantly changing. You have to take each day at a time and not let yourself get overwhelmed.
It has increased my testimony that God wants us to learn something as parents, and raising children will likely teach us things that nothing else could if we're willing to turn to God to find out what He wanted us to learn.

Summer's Slipping By Us

So...I've been remiss in posting. I've been busy, then not too busy, then busy like crazy again. All in all though, I'm realizing that the summer is slipping by us. Ryan and I are looking forward to our vacation after next week.

I watched a documentary yesterday called: "Dying to be Thin", on anerexia and bulemia nervosa. It made me really appreciative of having the doctrines of the restored gospel...namely knowing that there was a war in Heaven, and that Satan persuaded his followers into losing their first estate or the chance to have a physical body. Have you ever noticed how much Satan tries to make people think that their bodies are ugly, fat, frail, worthless, etc. Interesting, coming from someone who doesn't even have the priviledge of having a body.

The interesting thing with these two eating disorders, (other than the fact that you can see that Satan is in the works, making them feel depressed like they're failures and leading them towards hospitalization and death) is they end up being addictive like drugs. Anorexics often struggle from anxiety, which seems decreased when they starve themselves because less seratonin is emitted in the brain... but then the brain adapts, and creates more receptors, so even a little seratonin goes a long way. Result: they have to keep starving themselves more to feel calm. Bulemic women can eat as much as 3,600 calories -- two days worth of food -- in one sitting. How? you may ask yourself. Don't they get full, like we do when we pig out on Thanksgiving?
Interestingly enough, they don't get that message. A normal stomach slowly empties food in to the small intestine, which stimulates the secretion of CCK (a hormone that tells the brain to get ready to stop eating 'cause we're going to get full). Probably more a result of them purging themselves than anything else, bulemics honestly stop getting that signal.

The reason why this documentary (which is by NOVA by the way) struck me so, is it has Satan's name written all over it. Women seem to be more suceptible to feeling bad about their bodies, and the media surely does its share to make you feel like you aren't the ideal if you're pants are a higher number than size 1. (Like 0 pants...does anyone understand that? How can you NOT exist. If they really label pants like that, people who buy those pants shouldn't have to pay for anything because they're not buying anything really).

In great contrast to the way that Satan works, God wants our happiness. He wants us to treat our bodies well, since they are a gift from Him. He wants us to be able to enjoy life the right way. I have felt in my life that He was more concerned about my self-confidence (so that I didn't just date guys that told me I was beautiful but got themselves encarcerated for drugs), about the shape of my heart...not the shape of my nose or the shape of my legs. When there is something He wants us to fix, He gives us hope and holds us by the hand to help us through. Satan totally abandons these poor girls who fall victim to his lies...it makes no difference to him if they're hospitalized or on the brink of death.

It was encouraging to see quite a few of them recover, with proper treatment...and the only thing that would've been better for me to see would be to see them find the restored gospel, and realize they really have a Heavenly Father who's created a plan of happiness for them, and who loved them enough to sacrifice His Only Begotton Son, Jesus Christ.

Remember, if you're feeling like you're having a bad hair day or whatever -- you have a body! A wonderful body that can smell, and dance, and sing, and twirl, and TASTE! Satan makes you focus on weaknesses. Like, say your life was a bowl of fruit, complete with apples, tangerines, grapes, oranges, papaya, guava, apricots, peaches, bananas, etc. Satan would direct you to the fact that you do not have a mango. He wouldn't tell you where to get one, just that you don't have one! Then you're sitting there crying "I don't have a mango! I can't believe it! You can hardly call this a fruit basket without a mango in it, can you!?!?"

Now, really... lets remember all the things you do have... and if it's important for you to have a mango...ask your Heavenly Father...I'm sure He could round one up for you if He feel's it's important to your eternal happiness and salvation. Main point is...let's not listen to the trash Satan would have us believe about our bodies. Let's appreciate that we have them, and give them the nutrition which will best help them function. Remember...Satan doesn't even have one.